Hey, you. Yeah, you. Come here. Go away. You, come here. Go away. Go away. Come here. No, seriously. Come here. Do you like movies about werewolves? What am I saying? Of course you do. What about women in prison flicks, do they scratch your fancy and tickle your itch? Judging by the intensity of your nodding motions, I'll take that as a yes. Well, I have sort of good news for you. Someone finally decided to get off their hairy ass and make a werewolf in a women's prison movie. Oh, and if you're wondering what this werewolf in a women's prison masterpiece is called, wonder no more. It goes by the ingenious name: Werewolf in a Women's Prison. I know, pretty clever, eh? Actually, now that I think about it, I don't really have to type anymore words. It's all there. Where, you ask? Just read the film's title aloud, and you're already halfway to comprehension town. You're probably thinking to yourself, aren't you worried that your imaginary boss is going to get upset by the lack of words? Not at all. The cool thing about having an imaginary boss is that they're imaginary. In other words, you don't have to listen to a word they say. Why? Well, for one thing, they're not real. But don't worry, I'll think of something to say. Sure, everything you need to know about Werewolf in a Women's Prison can be found within its straightforward title. But you don't think I'm going let Eva Derrek's shapely nooks and Phoebe Dollar's dynamic crannies wiggle through my steely grasp without getting the lavish tongue bath they so rightly deserve? I don't think so. Speaking of tongue baths, you don't think I'm going to let the tongue bath scene off the hook when it comes time to dole out praise? You'd be a fool to think otherwise. Besides, while there's so much less to this film than meets the eye, there's also so much more.
You might have noticed, or you might not have noticed all-together, what do I know, that I said, "sort of good news," as supposed to saying just "good news," when referring to the existence of this genre mash-up from writer-director Jeff Leroy and writer Vinnie Bilancio. Well, that's because the film doesn't quite live up to its title. Don't get me wrong, the film has its Jess Franco in the right place, it's just that I'm not a big fan of digital splatter. I like my stockings tight, my green tea lukewarm, and I like my arterial spray to be practical. Meaning, every time I saw gore that was obviously rendered using one of them newfangled computers, I slowly felt myself being sucked out of the picture.
That being said, the werewolf was a guy in a suit and the women were completely natural. Yep, the werewolf has real fur and the women have real breasts (yes, I'm leering at you, Yurizan Beltrán). Funny, I could have sworn I heard someone yell, "Hallelujah," as I typed the part of about the breasts being real. There it is again. Someone just shouted "Hallelujah." It would seem that whenever I put the words "real" and "breasts" in the same sentence, that's what I hear. And, I must say, as a stem enthusiast, it's fucking annoying.
Keep your ugly fuckin' goldbrickin' booby-lovin' ass out of my leg appreciating beach community.
Now that I got that out of the way, welcome to Campuna! Come for the camping, stay for the confined cunnilingus. And a youngish couple, Sarah Ragdale (Victoria de Mare) and Jack (Vinnie Bilancio) have done just that. Except, nowhere in the brochure does it say anything about being attacked by werewolves. It's too bad they didn't heed the warning of that gas station employee they mocked openly during a moment of pre-coitus levity, because they're about to regret the day they ever decided come to Campuna.
Attacked by a werewolf while investigating a noise outside their tent, Jack is brutally mauled. Leaving Sarah to fend for herself, she unwittingly manages to kill the beast by dousing it with vodka that's been laced with silver flakes and setting it alight. And, as we all know, werewolves are deathly allergic to silver.
Unfortunately, she was bitten on the shoulder during the altercation with the werewolf, and eventually passes out. Where do you think Sarah wakes up? Welcome to Campuna Prison. Come for the confined cunnilingus, stay for the...actually, confined cunnilingus is the only thing on the menu in this joint, so, it looks like you're coming and staying for the confined cunnilingus.
Damn, girl. I wish I could wake up tied to a metal table, bloody and bruised, and still have lips to die for. What am I babbling about? Yo, V.I.P., check out Victoria de Mare's lips during the metal table scene, they're freaking fabulous. I wonder what the exact name of that particular shade of pinkish red is? I wonder if she mentions the colour on the DVD commentary track? I wonder the stupidest shit sometimes. By the way, the reason Sarah Ragdale is tied to a metal table is because the authorities think she killed Jack. Okay, that makes sense. But why is Mistress Rita (Jackeline Olivier) rubbing Sarah's nipples and manhandling her thighs? You're obviously not from around these parts. It's a traditional Campunian greeting. Just kidding, Rita likes to feel up chicks; it's kind of her thing.
Slapping a ball gag over her mouth, Rita takes Sarah, who, besides the ball gag (I hope it doesn't ruin her lipstick), is wearing nothing but a white thong and these cute little ankle socks, to see Juan the warden (Domiziano Archangeli). After her attempt to convince them that a werewolf killed Jack goes nowhere, Sarah demands that she see a lawyer. This request is met with laughter and prankish derision, and she is taken to her cell.
Oh, I almost forgot, before being taken to her cell, Mistress Rita takes some pictures of Sarah picking up coins in nothing but a pair of skimpy jean shorts for her website, prisongirlsgonebad.com.
As an inmate named Angel (Meredith Salenger) is being felt up by Rita (seriously, feeling up chicks is her thing) for cigarettes, Sarah bonds with her leggy roommate, Rachel (Eva Derrek, Miss Germany International 2002).
Remember when I said that Werewolf in a Women's Prison had its Jess Franco in the right place? Well, it's also got its John Landis in the right place. Using the similar storytelling technique employed in John Landis' An American Werewolf in London, they have a bloodied Jack visit Sarah every so often to give her advice on how to handle "the curse."
Ignoring his advice, Sarah shows the first signs of "the curse" when she discovers that her bite wound has already healed. The next comes when she confronts the Eva Derrek-esque Crystal (Kristan Zaik) and her goons, including Serina (Berna Roberts), in the prison's courtyard after they start to harass Rachel. Tossing them aside like they weren't even there, Sarah makes short work of them. Eventually tranquilized by a guard named Garcia (the Krumholtzian Neto DePaula Pimenta), Sarah and Rachel are punished.
Please tell me that their punishment involves being chained in the desert and forced to wear nothing but a pair of white panties? It does. Yes! And not only that, to survive, Sarah and Rachel resort to licking each other's sweat. This movie not only has its Jess Franco and its John Landis in the right place, it has its reticulated crotch in the right place as well.
It's only a matter of time before Sarah goes on a killing spree (there's a full moon tonight), and when she does so, it's a cornucopia of flesh-tearing ghastliness. It's hard to put my finger on my favourite gore effect during this orgy of violence, as they're all awesome (even the scene where Sindy Lange is torn in half). But if I had to choose one, it would be the part where they implied that the scumbag who the warden let rape Rachel (who is chained to a pole) continued to thrust long after his head had been removed by Sarah's shewolf. What can I say? I'm a big fan of scenes where men are killed during sex. I like how their dead bodies desperately try to continue thrusting like nothing ever happened.
I'll admit, I started to lose interest in the film the moment Sarah and Rachel attempt to flee the prison. But that always seems to occur when I watch women in prison films. I guess I get so used to the characters being confined, that I can't quite adjust to them being in the outside world; the same thing happens whenever I watch Logan's Run. Thankfully, they're captured by The Badger (Al Burke) and brought back to the prison. In case you're wondering, the reason Juan the warden doesn't kill Sarah is because he wants to make money off her affliction–you know, Welcome to Campuna Prison. Come for the confined cunnilingus, stay for the werewolf women.
Even though I thought Victoria de Mare and Eva Derrek were amazing as the film's two leads (the latter actually reminded me of Rosalba Neri - I know, that's high praise), I couldn't keep my eyes off Phoebe Dollar as "Maria," a.k.a. Girl with Chain. Since the prison population was decimated by Sarah's rampage, Juan the warden decides to replenish the ranks. And that's where Phoebe Dollar comes in. Brought into the prison with two other women, Charlene Harding and Natalie Stone, Phoebe Dollar sort of just stands around at first. But I knew she had something the moment I saw her. And she proves I wasn't wrong when she attempts to take on Sarah's werewolf armed only with a chain.
Now, her confrontation with the Sarah's werewolf doesn't quite live up to the hype (the way the director builds up the tension surrounding their showdown was a bit of a letdown), but Phoebe Dollar does get several close-ups. And judging by what I saw during these close-ups, I think it's safe to say that I want more Phoebe Dollar in my life.
video uploaded by Jeff Leroy